Johannesburg - There are no sacred cows for Zimbawean-born South African stand-up comedian John Vlismas.
First holiday memory?
When my parents sold their restaurant business when we were really young, they decided to spend the money on a trip. We went on a three-month trip from Harare around the world. It was crazy. I know that’s a really privileged thing but it was fantastic. I must have been aged about six, but I latch onto those memories. So if I decided whatever I do, I have to give my kid the same experience because it was so ridiculous. We left Harare in the late 1970s and went to the US and Europe – it was crazy.
Favourite place in South Africa?
Probably Sodwana Bay. The diving is good and the beach is easy. I’m supposed to dive a lot but I haven’t for a while. I love the easiness of the place. It’s close to Mozambique so it’s the same laid-back kind of beachiness. None of those apeish surfers trying to punch you in the face.
Best holiday?
Recently, I took my partner, her niece and my daughter and we went to Atlantis in Dubai. And then to London, where I took my daughter to the Tate Modern gallery and showed her a Francis Bacon painting. Just the two of us. That was probably the best thing I’ve ever done. She didn’t get it; she was like: “Dad, what is this?” In response I told her to calm down; that she’s only 13 and it doesn’t mean anything yet but one day it will.
What have you learnt from your travels?
You never know everything so you mustn’t be narrow-minded and aim to find home when you travel. Out of your comfort zone, you should be open to what other countries have to offer. Don’t go to a Greek island and order beans and chips. For instance, we went to a friend’s wedding in Thailand and I ate chilli-noodles with peanuts and eggs every day for breakfast. I loved it! You don’t have to be like an instant Buddhist monk or like those Americans who arrive here dressed in full-on khaki, safari battle gear and they don’t realise: we have sh*t here. We have internet and stuff. It’s not about the privilege of travelling – and it is a privilege to be able to travel – it’s about the mindset that you travel with. That’s the real value of travelling.
Ideal travelling companion?
An iPad. It depends what you’re travelling for. It’s great to have your family with you but if you’ve got to travel efficiently, you just need an online connection. If it can carry books and music, then it’s even better.
Beach bum, culture vulture or adrenalin junkie?
I’m not an adrenalin junkie – I do dive with sharks and stuff, but I don’t do it as an adrenalin sport. I get that at work and in the bedroom. I can really be a beach bum but I have to say: I do like to watch shows, go to gigs and try to visit museums and art collections. If I could surf and dive during the day and go to galleries at night, that would be the perfect holiday.
Greatest travel luxury?
I don’t travel business class. I don’t believe in paying that much money for a chair. I’m short so the legroom doesn’t affect me. I would say I try to get a decent hotel. In London I stayed in a cupboard but that was fine. On one trip to London, I didn’t catch one Tube. It’s hectic, you’re always underground so you don’t see the city. Going underground when you’re in a strange place is stupid.
Holiday reading?
I really love a great collection of short stories which is great when you are travelling. I’m not that guy who reads about Mexico on the way there. I don’t do admin. There’s a book by John Updike, My Father’s Tears, that I’m also enjoying.
What place has seduced you?
Paris. I hadn’t been there until last year but I will go there as often as I can until I die. It’s so much more than I thought. The Eiffel Tower is not what people say it is. You think it’ll be this cute little rickety iron thing but it’s unbelievable. Just the way the city is laid out. I dig it. Paris took me hostage.
Worst travel experience?
My worst trip was to Italy with a difficult partner. I can put up with anything, but when you’re with someone who is determined to ruin it, you can’t appreciate it.
Best hotel?
In terms of just the vibe, I’d say the Melrose Arch Hotel in Joburg and the Victoria Junction in Cape Town. You know, for me, it’s just a bed.
Favourite walk, swim, ride or drive?
I ran one early in the morning in London through Hyde Park. That was amazing. So beautiful. A hotel I stayed at in Montreal was right on the edge of the alternative part of town. The gay bars, the piercing parlours and the theatres. And every morning while there I ran 10km through that section of town. Those are my people. I hold those alternative people very dear in my life. However, none were around because it was early morning but still…
Best meal abroad?
I’m a vegetarian so vegetables. But whatever the locals eat, I eat. There’s no point in eating McDonald’s in China. Why would you do that?
Favourite city?
Montreal is a really beautiful city. Like Durban, with a real European flavour. It’s like a city with a huge cultural vibe. The other one is Melbourne. They’ve got a very festive, arty culture.
I was in Dar es Salaam for one night two years ago, just meeting very cool people.
I don’t think you have to go somewhere for coolness. You’ve got to find the right approach. You can find cool stuff in Joburg. When I’m in the right state of mind, it doesn’t really matter where I am.
Where next?
I have a feeling the East. My partner and I haven’t been to the East and I’m really keen on going to Japan. We have a friend who has just got a job in Shanghai and has asked us to visit. And Russia – I’ve always wanted to go there because it’s so foreign to me. Understanding what’s going on in China and Russia will probably be informative for the future.
One place I’m not interested in going to is the Middle East because every video I grew up seeing is of immeasurable suffering. Conflicts are not my idea of time off. I can’t even watch a horror movie because I’m not interested in human beings going out of their way to harm one another. It’s not my thing.
l There are no sacred cows for Zimbawean-born South African stand-up comedian John Vlismas.
The funnyman and businessman who is behind the Comic’s Choice Awards will be one of the headliners at the inaugural Johannesburg International Comedy Festival, which takes place in the city from November 6 to 8. Vlismas has performed his irreverent and often risqué humour in many places around the world.
Cape Town can catch Vlismas and other comedians in Mass Hysteria at the Artscape Theatre from October 14 to 25.
Saturday Star