Be Ebrahim Essa
I am taking an antidepressant that results in the same nightmare. It’s a nightmare of being back at university and struggling to understand advanced mathematics, while my colleagues in class don’t seem perturbed.
On some nights, the nightmare shifts to high school where I battle with some geometric theorem. On other nights, I am again in my B.Sc class in India where I see my classmates coping fairly easily with the likes of Riemann’s theorem, while I feel nauseous, have a headache and feel fear. It's the same helpless feeling over and over again.
My mind now shifts to the present day, where I have been a successful teacher of physical science. I am able to, with luck, encourage pupils to achieve some excellent results. I don't feel short-changed by life.
So, this nightmare bothers me and it makes me wonder as to what causes learners and students, at all levels, to develop low self-esteem.
Educationists insist that it is a superficial show of material wealth – parents dropping kids off with fancy cars; a cleaner, shinier uniform; a new school bag; better quality books; spending money; boasting of spending holidays abroad, etc. All of these may well contribute to an individual feeling low, but surely we are missing something far more debilitating?
And that could well be: how come I find this so difficult when others are coping and smiling away? There must be something wrong with me!
At Sastri College, I had a classmate who must have come from a poor home. His over-worn uniform was a give-away. Much more than that was the fact that he brought sandwiches made by his mother to sell to other children during breaks to help make ends meet.
Yet instead of feeling empathy for him, I really felt envy, actually a dislike. The reason? He had an amazing ability to do well in the subject that I struggled with, mathematics. Added to this, understanding Latin seemed like child's play to him. Needless to say, he became a medical doctor.
There are numerous examples of this possible source of an inferiority complex being gradually developed over the years that must continue to haunt adults that were once learners. Is material wealth difference the only criterion to consider that could make a child feel small?
Can this subconscious feeling of unexplained inferiority – and in many cases even the converse of superiority – lead to imbalances later? Can it help to explain bizarre recurring nightmares?
The Star