By Sharon Gordon
During consultations over the past year and as a result of the emails I received from you the reader, I have come up with a list of commonly asked questions and concerns.
The first is related to orgasm and the concern is usually:
How do I know if I've had an orgasm?
My immediate flippant answer is usually well if you have to wonder then you haven’t, but that does not help the concerned party who genuinely wants an answer.
There is no one kind of orgasm and there is no one definition. My experience may be so different from yours that a third party eavesdropping on our conversation may wonder if we are talking about the same thing. So what we have to do is unpack the orgasm response.
There are several markers that you can look out for: The heart rate and blood pressure will increase; Muscles in the body will start to tighten (that’s why the nipple gets hard); Skin begins to flush; there is a sensation of muscle release, usually around the genital area (this can either be a spasm or far gentler sensation; and finally a feeling of relaxation.
You may experience all these markers or a combination. You may experience all of them except the muscle release which many of us refer to as the tipping point and then wonder what all the fuss was about and feel that orgasm has not been achieved.
The biggest concern should rather be whether during the play you experienced pleasure. You may be holding back on the tipping point for a variety of different reasons and that you can work on, but you really should start by simply enjoying the sensations that should be filling your body. Sex should be pleasurable.
If you are holding back and feel that you have not or cannot orgasm, help is at hand. I have numerous exercises you can try. Try not to chase the orgasm, rather concentrate on experiencing pleasure and how the body and mind responds to different touch. If you immerse yourself in the enjoyment you never know what will happen.
The next question on my list is:
How long should sex take?
Oy! How long is a piece of string? The answer very much depends on what you want to tie! Similarly it depends on the parties having sex. Paulo Caelo thinks that the average sexual encounter from the minute you start taking your clothes off to completion is 11 minutes.
If statistics are to be believed then the average man orgasms in 0 to 3 minutes and the average woman up to 20 minutes! Big difference! If one of the parties is on any medication, has a medical condition or is anti-depressants that can increase to 40 minutes.
My standard answer is that it should take as long as is required to satisfy BOTH partners. Both quickies and all night long are appropriate in any given circumstance.
Trouble arises when one partner orgasms too quickly and the other takes too long. There are several exercises and suggestions for couples with this problem. By following the exercises we can actually get couples closer to each other.
The last question:
How do I find my PC muscles and why is it important?
I wrote in detail about this recently, so go back and have a read.
The pubococcygeus muscles are also known as the Kegel muscles and are located in the pelvis area. These muscles are as important for both men and women.
For men, a strong PC muscle and pelvic floor means that the erection will be stronger and higher. For women it is important because it keeps the vagina tight which in turn intensifies the orgasm, but more importantly when you get to my age and you sneeze – you do not pee in your pants. It is just not sexy.
The PC muscles are also used to control the flow of urine so the easiest way to find the correct muscle is to stop the flow of urine the next time you go to the loo. Take notice of which muscles you are using to stop the flow, these are the ones you should be exercising.
There are a number of exercises you can do to strengthen these muscles including, for women, the use of Benwa Balls. These balls come in a variety of different shapes, sizes and weights. They are essentially dumbbells for the vagina. Just remember that exercising your PC muscles is just like exercising any other muscle. Six sit ups every 6 months is not going to give you washboard Abs. It has to be at least 2 hours a day, three times a week.
If you have any questions or concerns remember you can email me or just pop into Lola Montez for a chat. Be sexy and sensual. Sharon@lolamontez.co.za