By Sharon Gordon
Johannesburg - They say that Love is blind, but your friends and family aren’t!
Often when a we’re is involved in a new relationship, we are blinded to all our chosen’s faults and if we do notice them we make all kinds of excuses. In this article I refer to him, but it can just as well be she!
Let us explore some relationship red flags.
These red flags should give you a warning that all is not rosy. These are just waving flags and are all not necessarily bad, but they should give you a reason to investigate further. Consider them warning sign and if any of them apply to you, maybe you should get some help because they could jeopardize your future.
There are some obvious signs of problems. He may be married, and you don’t know. This happens more than you can imagine especially with the rise of online hook ups.
If he has a white band around his ring finger or if he won’t let you phone him at home or work. If he doesn’t let you see his home, only sees you intermittently and never during family time - he is married so - RUN, don’t walk, RUN AWAY. I don’t care if you believe he loves you and she doesn’t understand him!
Only two types of men leave their wives – the naughty and the needy! You need neither. Believe me when I tell you that if he cheats with you, he’ll cheat on you.
Look at his history. This could be your future!
If he has been divorced (especially more than once), this should ring warning bells.
Listen to how he talks about his previous relationship and check if he still has contact with ex wife and his children. If there is no contact and he has nothing good to say about them, you need to ask yourself WHY.
Has he had many sexual partners, or does he have a reputation as a womaniser? Some men cannot commit to a relationship and just drift from one woman to another. You do not want to be just another in the line, he will not change for you. Nobody will ever be special enough, so move on. Don’t spend your best years hoping for commitment.
If he has a poor work or credit history or has no visible or reliable income, you will be the meal ticket! In my day this was very scarce but now there is so much of it around. I’ve heard women say that if he has a job and a car, he is a good prospect! Since when has that been enough? While I’m all for owning your own house and being independent be careful, if he doesn’t contribute you will eventually be resentful.
Love is not enough to sustain a relationship, I know that this is an unpopular belief, but it’s true.
You need to have a partnership of sharing and caring with each doing your part and whilst it may not worry you in the early a stage of the relationship, it will.
If he still lives with his parents, especially after age 30 and finishing studying, ask yourself, why? If this is a temporary arrangement (and there are many valid reasons) it may be fine, but it is unusual for men to remain in their childhood home and not desire to be independent.
Look at his behaviour. They say you can tell a lot about a person by how he treats the waiter in a restaurant or how he handles money. If he is disrespectful or abusive to other people, he may do the same to you.
If he disregards the law, rules or etiquette, watch out! His bad boy image will only be amusing for so long. If he drives in a reckless, bad or aggressive, you may land up an accident statistic or be the victim of his aggression.
If he has poor hygiene habits or dresses like a slob and doesn’t care about his appearance- walk away unless you are prepared to put up with this forever. He will not change and obviously has self esteem issues.
Table manners are important to me. I do not want to have to teach a man how to hold a knife and fork or brush his teeth.
If he is nasty to animals, children, the elderly or takes pleasure in other people’s misfortune, RUN. He has issues and you don’t want to be on the receiving end of them.
If he lies, cheats, steals or manipulates or is extremely jealous or possessive. He is not doing it out of love for you but out of his own insecurities - RUN. You cannot change someone’s behaviour or character, he may be pathological and you may become a statistic of abuse.
Be aware of selfish or greedy behaviour or someone who does not share his thoughts, possessions, or himself. He may be self absorbed or have a personality disorder and you don’t want to be having to deal with his issues. Life is hard enough without someone else’s issues.
Be aware of someone who is insecure, guilt prone, hypercritical, constantly blaming others, never taking responsibility for his actions, these could signal an underlying psychological problem which may take years to overcome and will erode your self esteem quicker than it can be cured.
Someone who is overly controlling and demanding or is obsessive in his mannerisms can also be a problem. Grooming and lulling you into their way is never a good sign.
Obviously, laziness, lack of motivation and goals or being secretive, suspicious or defensive are all red flags!
Look at his friends and family relationships. If he does not have friends or family, WATCH OUT. There must be a reason that he has not been able to sustain any relationships.
Watch his moods. If he shows extreme emotions all the time, life will be an emotional roller coaster and will require enormous amounts of energy on your behalf. Someone who is moody and unpredictable is impossible to live with taking its toll on your own self esteem.
If he is frequently down and depressed without cause, or exhibits little emotion, get him help. He needs to see a psychologist/psychiatrist to sort himself out. These are not your problems. You need to know that you will be able to deal with his emotional baggage. If he refuses – move on.
Above all, listen to your friends and family. If they have reservations about your new love, remember they have your best interests at heart, they are not jealous or insecure.
They are not blind even though you may be.