By Sharon Gordon
Johannesburg - I was going to give you some masturbation tips, May being Masturbation Month and all (read last week’s column but I have a burning opinion that just has to come out.
I belong to two fabulous groups on one of the social media platforms. On it we talk about life, relationships and our children in an open and honest way. Yes, we all have different opinions but it’s never degrading or belittling – I love the chatter.
On Mother’s Day both groups were filled with hurt and betrayed mothers because their children paid no heed. We blamed our husbands, partners and ungrateful children but here is the unfettered and unimaginable truth – it’s our own fault. Those lazy, ungrateful little shits are like that because we have allowed it!
I’ve thought about it and here’s why I think we’ve allowed it.
As women and mothers, we are always second.
If there is a budget for one pair of shoes our children will come first. If there is only enough food for the children and partner, we will feign not being hungry. And that last piece of cake that you’ve been savouring for when you have a second to yourself will gracefully be handed over to a child who will eat half and feed the rest to the dog.
Our special days are unimportant. What do you want for your birthday? I know the answer – ‘Please don’t get me anything, I’m not big on Birthdays!’ But then a member of the family’s birthday rolls around and there are gifts, cake and special meals – and you believe us!
The same goes for Mother’s Day and Valentine’s Day. Now I know that there are some religions that don’t celebrate any days and if you are one of them you are forgiven, but the next person who tells me they don’t celebrate special days had better be a card-carrying member because I’m done!
My children got an AAK (attitude adjustment klap) after this last Mother’s Day. I’m done being Mrs Nice Mom. They will make a fuss, I’m talking skywriting fuss, because I’m worth it!
I’ve sacrificed, scrimped, saved and shelpped for their benefit and the least they can do is acknowledge it twice a year.
I don’t need diamonds or flowers, which would be nice but a cup of tea, a chocolate and a handmade card will go a long way.
Women are conditioned to place themselves last and it’s enough.
I remember a story told to me by my friend Maria. She had been dating a man for some time. He was coming over for dinner. She’d gone shopping and then cooked two delicious steaks. One was bigger than the other. You all know how this goes, we are taught to offer up the last cake, the biggest piece of steak because it’s impolite to be selfish.
She decided she was really hungry, had paid for the steaks and cooked them so she served the larger steak for herself. He broke up with her, because how could she?
I’m not advocating that we become selfish, self-centred humans but we must start standing up for ourselves. My children and partner now know that if it is important to me, it’s in their best interest to make sure that they blow smoke and I mean loads of it!
If your children or partner treat you like a doormat, that’s because you’ve allowed it. If they’ve forgotten your birthday, you didn’t remind them enough. I’m starting a month before and I’m not hinting at gifts anymore. I’m handing them a list of preferred gifts.
At the top, a year off following F1 around the world. Near the bottom a handmade card and a chocolate. I’m easy to please but clearly nobody has been listening. Now it’s in bold CAPITAL letters.
My partner, who is the most generous man, lazy and not terribly adventurous is also getting a list of demands including when and how we are going to be spending our time together. I don’t think he’ll be unhappy. Shocked maybe, but not unhappy.
It’s easier to train them when they are small or at the beginning of a relationship.
If your new love interest indicates that they are not big on birthdays, make it perfectly clear that you are and it’s a deal breaker if they cannot be bothered to make a fuss of you one day a year. And don’t fall for that crap excuse that you are special every day.
Make a list of what you’d like to see from your family and let them know because I promise you, they cannot read your mind. If you have told them and they’ve ignored you, throw the most almighty fit you can muster. If that doesn’t work, it may be time to behave like they do.
Just a heads up to all the partners out there who believe that it’s not important because she said so – she lied to make you feel comfortable and secretly hopes that you’ll make an effort. If she says, ‘You shouldn’t have!’ Best you say ‘I absolutely had to because you deserve it (and because Sharon said I should).’
And while I’m at it – when she asks you if she looks okay, if her ass looks fat – she already knows the answer and just needs you to confirm that you still find her attractive and love her regardless of all her real and imagined insecurities. Here endeth the lesson. Thank me later!