By Sharon Gordon
When we went into Level 5 lock down in March, my partner and I had to make a couple of decisions. We don’t live together, he has his house and I have mine, with all the trappings of dogs, children and plants.
We decided to not to lockdown together. To be honest I’m not sure he would have survived! My children, now in their 20s still stay at home and while one worked from home the other in thehospitality industry has still not returned to work.
They had social lives to envy with many dinners, parties and get togethers and then the virus hit. We spent three weeks or more on our own. I consider it a gift and a wonderful time to reconnect (putting financial and mental strains aside). My children went stir crazy and wanted to escape.
My partner and I communicated daily about life, work and chores but while our dating life came to a grinding halt our sexting skills improved. Online dating APPS, along with Netflix are reporting never seen before growth. I understand Netflix but why dating Apps when you can’t date?
Usually we would be out and about, meeting friends and potentially new friends at work, in restaurants, clubs, park runs and the like and now nothing! Apps are the new meeting platform.
Users are reporting that they are getting far more satisfaction out of using the App than before. Once you have swiped left or right and made a connection, pre-Covid you would arrange a hook up which in 3.2 seconds would either lead to sex or going home. Now there is no physical hook up but a virtual one which seems to be working really well.
I’m fascinated by what happens during the virtual hook up. Firstly, you are in your home environment and its easier to get a feel for who you really are if I can see you in your natural habitat. I’m not making a call based on purely how you look or what you’re wearing. I’m looking at your surroundings.
Is the bed in the background unmade? Are there towels and dirty socks lying on the floor? Is that a shabby bra hanging over the chair or door handle. Dater beware – choose your background well. The same advice goes for those of you conducting business on Skype, Zoom or any one of the hundred Facetime platforms available. I always try to sit with an impressive bookshelf behind me, cleared of sample adult toys!
I was recently on quite an important meeting but was distracted by the unmade bed and the partner walking around in his underpants! Having virtual dates forces you to chat on a level deeper than ‘Can I get you a drink or my place or yours?’
Daters are reporting that they are having discussions for hours about life and the universe and for the first time are identifying whether this person’s ideologies line up with their own. I’ve heard about these online dates getting creative with couples sharing a recipe and cooking the same meal and then having a facetime call while dinner is served.
In South Africa as we all know, alcohol and cigarettes have been banned so many conversations that would have been had under a cloud of intoxication are now a lot more sober. I have no doubt that this too affects discussions and decisions.
Now that lockdown has eased we are able to meet for coffee or lunch, but the 21h00 curfew makes me feel a bit like a teenager again. I’m wondering how dating has been affected by this because not everyone has the privilege of privacy.
If you were locked down together, I’m sure that it was a test of your relationships. Without staff, my children had to learn how to cook, clean and wash floors. I had signs up in all the usual spaces where dirty dishes would be left to be collected. The sign said WFF? (Which *&^% Fairy?) and I learnt that cleaning the kitchen did not include wiping the basin or cleaning out the bin. This almost led to blood being spilt.
I know my neighbours, on both sides, battled because I could hear them shouting. With young children being home schooled I can only imagine the increased stress and strain. Add to that financial concerns and I have no doubt that there is very little romance, sex and dating happening in households across South Africa.
If this is you know that you are not alone, hang in there. I have a friend who sits in her car and listens to some music before facing life again. The cracks that are showing may be permanent but know that these are extraordinary times and a slight adjustment to expectations can make all the difference.
Some couples have been stranded in different countries with no idea when they will be able to catch flights home. Some have now been apart for over 4 months. They report that facetime calls and online shopping have helped.
Some have purchased APP enabled sex toys (available from my website) for their partners and have found novel ways to keep the sex and romance alive. They are making every effort to make the divide smaller and keep the intimacy going, which I think is easier when you’re not in someone’s space 24/7.
I recently had an online meeting with someone working from home in his office with the door closed and I could hear a baby crying and a three-year-old screaming for almost 2 hours. I had to take a tranquiliser afterwards to calm down and I wondered how sexy he felt that night?
Saving your relationship whether you are in the same room, across town or in different countries requires communication, imagination and work otherwise your connections may be another casualty of this pandemic.
If you’d like to share your survival tips with me, I’m planning another column called 10 ways for sex to survive during COVID – I’d love to hear from you.
Email: info@lolamontez.co.za