By Sharon Gordon
Johannesburg - Monday is Valentine’s Day. I hear a collective groan. For those with partners – it’s ‘what to do and what to get?’ For those without a partner and who want one it’s ‘Do they have to rub my face in it?’
The sceptical are outraged by the blatant retail advertising and consider it a money-making racket – they would be right, but hey give us a break! It’s been a tough two years!
Today I am setting up a pop-up store for a restaurant. They are celebrating a Valentine’s Day of self-love. The premise is that if you do not take care of yourself, love yourself and put your interests first.
I think there is a commandment about ‘Love others as you would love yourself’. I’ve always wondered how seriously people take this because I see people who hate more than I see those who love and are kind, and I’m in the pleasure industry.
I’ve been thinking about how we got here and how we are going to survive. I know that a lot of good has come from the new way of seeing things, but I fear for the damage and entitlement that comes with it.
I know that some readers are going to be offended but here’s the thing… I like everyone else don’t really care.
We ALL talk about our rights! I have the right to feel safe. I have the right to be loved. I have the right great sex. I have the right to love whoever I want. I have the right to be offended by what you want. When did it become cool to be unkind and a bully?
I recently read an account of a woman who went to a bar to meet someone she thought she had a connection with online. After 40 minutes she left. When she got to her car, she received a text from him. It said, ‘I’ve been here the whole time, but I didn’t approach because you are ugly, old and fat!’ She was devastated! Who does that?
Yes, he has the right to his opinion but how is it helpful? What did he get out of being that revolting? Did it make him happy? Give him an erection?
Every millennial, and their parents (because where else would they have learnt) thinks they are special with every right under the sun. They can choose to be whatever they want. They must be ‘passionate’ about their job and when it gets tough, they lack grit to see them through. They talk about their rights and NEVER talk about their obligations.
What does this have to do with sex and relationships?
Absolutely everything!
Without rights and obligations, a relationship is doomed. We’ve lost the art of having our partner’s back. I think we’ve taken the whole self-love and self-interest a bit too far. When I can do whatever I want, without even thinking about the consequences, and don’t care about the harm you cause, your relationship will be a casualty.
So, this Valentine’s Day let’s get back to what love used to mean. Every wedding I ever went to (and it’s not many) the reading was from the Bible. As you know I’m not a huge fan but I can recognise the lessons.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
New International Version
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Read that again. Slowly.
Nowhere does it say be horrible, humiliate, take what you can and only see to your won needs at the expense of everything else.
It also doesn’t say that you have to accept being treated like dirt. It doesn’t say hang around if you are being abused and humiliated. The truth is that you are both responsible for making the relationship safe, sexy and lasting.
This Valentine’s Day if you aren’t going to support Lola Montez may I suggest you give kindness. If your partner is tired, do the cooking. Make the bed and change the toilet roll without being asked. Write a note (remember what you found sexy or fell in love with) and slip it into their bag or pocket.
If you want to say something unkind, just don’t. I’m trying to find a way to say what has to be said without being brutal and unkind, so I know how hard it is.
Try to make it a habit. With ever little act of kindness and compassion, regardless of your rights, you’ll see a shift in your relationship.
Happy month of love. Let’s celebrate it.