By Sharon Gordon
Johannesburg - Last week I wrote about a number of things I wish I knew earlier about sex. I also wish I’d learnt about money and creating wealth but that is for someone else to write about. I write about sex so here are a couple more things about sex education I wish I’d had.
You are responsible for your sexual health. Have a pap smear, test your hormone levels. If your erection doesn’t work as well as it used to, it’s telling you that all is not well. Why are you so ashamed? Get it treated.
Check your breasts and your prostate, it will save your life.
Learn about the clitoris. It is the important button outside the vulva but its nerve ending run all along the labia toward the anus. It is the only part of the human body that serves no other purpose but pleasure. We have a 3D printed model of a clitoris in the Lola Montez shop, pop in and have a look.
Learn and talk about consent. It is not complicated. A drunk person can NEVER consent so just don’t. Wait till the morning. If you both still want sex, then by all means go ahead and enjoy it. Not having consent is a criminal act and you could be charged with sexual assault or rape. Teach your children. Agreeing to Netflix and Chill is not the same as ‘Yes let’s have sex’.
Recognise coercion and pressure to have sex. Your children are experiencing this every day. Can you remember ‘If you loved me, you would …’ Coercion at its very worst. Let me share a tool you can use when you are faced with this situation. When someone says: ‘If you loved me, you would …’ your response is ‘And if you loved me, you would not ask me to …’ Checkmate.
Virginity is a social construct and remains important only when it comes to women. Patriarchy at its very best. Being a virgin for your husband does not make you more valuable. You are not a house. Is he a virgin? If not, why not? So much pressure for nothing. Remember what I said about sex and pain. This is one of the causes.
It is absolutely fine not to want to have sex. You may not be in the mood. This is only a problem when you never want to have sex and then we come back to communication. Try to figure out why not. There is probably a very good reason.
I wish someone had told me to pee after having sex. It would have saved me a world of pain and urinary tract infections. Personal and sexual hygiene is important. Men must clean under their foreskin and please wash behind your testicles and your anus. Women must wipe from front to back. You will have a yeast infection at some stage in your life. Antibiotics can affect your contraception and probiotics are important.
Everybody and every body is different. Some of us a big, or small. Fat, thin, tall, short, hairy, smooth, happy or sad. You cannot be everything to everybody and chances are you cannot even meet your own standards. It’s okay. Do your best and if that is not good enough, screw it and move on.
Periods are not gross. Menstruation is a normal biological function absolutely essential for the continuation of the human race. It proves that you are a healthy woman who can reproduce. How can this be gross? Check out the work being done by Dignity Dreams around menstrual health and dispelling taboos and myths.
Size does not matter but technique does. Never be ashamed of what you have. Learn how to use your kit to the best of your ability. Most of us are lazy. We learn the basics and then get stuck. If your sex life is in a rut, it may be time to up the ante. Learn a new skill and have I said it before? Communicate.
When I talk to learners I often get asked about ‘which base’ in a variety of contexts. Bases are for sport and not for sex. Sex is not a race. You move at the pace of the person who has the least experience. It is important to get it right. Bad or abusive sex has long lasting consequences. Don’t be that guy, think about it for a couple of seconds before you leap and do damage.
You do not have to finish what you started. We seem to think that every sexual encounter should end in orgasm. Wouldn’t a chance be a fine thing? The reality is that you may not achieve an orgasm every time. You are not broken. There is nothing wrong with you or your partner. It’s only a challenge when its all the time.
I just want to loop back to consent. You can say no and stop at any time.
The number of partners you have had is irrelevant and says absolutely nothing about you. I find it interesting that men always say they have had more partners that they actually have, and women reveal less. Remember what I said about virginity?
I’d like to leave you with masturbation being the best thing you’ll ever learn. It is good for you. It can help you understand your body. You can discover what works for you. It can relieve headaches, stress and period pain. And it’s good for you!
Please share what you wish you’d know earlier. I’d love to hear from you – comment below or email me on info@lolamontez.co.za