By Sharon Gordon
Johannesburg - This week we celebrated Fetish Day. Since Fifty Shades of Grey made headlines a couple of years ago, there’s a lot more talk about fetish and kink.
We often use the terms interchangeably and while some of the aspects are similar there is one very clear difference. For a fetish – the fetish MUST be present for arousal and sexual enjoyment.
A kink or being kinky refers to anything that falls outside of what society considers ordinary sex.
This is what makes kinky a moving target. What is considered kinky is always subjective. It can depend on culture, religion or even your generation.
It used to be that kinky was to own a sex toy or prefer doggy style to good old missionary position but these days if you don’t have a favourite toy, now you’re kinky!
Kink is an umbrella term for what may be considered by some as alternative sexual interests:
– BDSM
– Group sex
– Polyamory
– Pony Play
– Pegging
– Cuckolding
– Impact play
– Role Play
– Exhibitionism
– Reading my blog religiously
Each and every one of those can also be a fetish if it is a sexual necessity and must be present for sexual arousal or enjoyment.
A fetish can be an act like being a voyeur or a specific object, sexual or not, like feet or stiletto shoes. It doesn’t have to be sexy.
If you have a fetish, you cannot achieve sexual pleasure or arousal without the object or act.
Top of the fetish list is:
– Latex
– Boots
– Breasts
– Feet
– Balloons
– Bondage
– Electro stimulation
I once met a man who could only be fully aroused when he had a flapping fish on his feet.
My first question is ‘How did he figure that one out?’
If you have a fetish, whatever it is, while it is necessary for arousal, it doesn’t physically have to be in the room. A fantasy about it, to get you in the mood, may be enough. It becomes troublesome when fantasy is not enough. Think about where you get a live fish every time you want to have sex!
A fetish is based on psychology or sensation.
Let’s explore the fish scenario, I’m sure that is I’d explored the discussion it would have turned out that he used to go fishing with his dad and reeling a fish in was the most excited and loved he has ever felt.
Many have a high heel shoe fetish, and it is alleged that this stems from hearing your mum approach in her heels when she was fetching you to take you home. It was so exciting and somewhere it converts to a fetish.
Like almost everything to do with sex, there just isn’t enough research into it to be sure.
Kink is more about exploration and variety.
You may find some kinks do more for you than others. That’s the beauty of it
it’s something you like to do as opposed to a fetish which is something you need to do!
Kink is becoming increasingly more acceptable. I just have to think about the bondage sales, the latest Sex Expo or watch any series and out come the floggers, handcuffs and blindfolds.
In the series ‘How to build a sex room,’ the women were far more adventurous than the men. They were open to dialogue and experimentation.
It can be extremely difficult to talk about your kinky preferences, so we just don’t.
The trouble with not exploring alternative sexual interests is that you are going to be stuck with the same old slap and tickle for the next 50 years!
Exploring kink needs a discussion. I recommend doing it over dinner if you’re comfortable or even better in the car, when you don’t have to look at each other.
If you are excited about a bit of kink play, it will take planning and whatever you do don’t forget the rules. You have to have consent. It needs to be sane and legal. Always have a safe word.
Living a kink lifestyle is becoming more acceptable. In a recent study in the US, the researchers found that 95% of men and 85% of women would participate in multi-party sex. 93% of men and 96% of women would like to explore BDSM.
So go ahead and explore your kinks to increase sexual excitement.
If you have a fetish and it interferes with intimacy in your relationship you may have to explore other options. I’m not having live fish in my bath no matter how great the orgasm.