By Sharon Gordon
Johannesburg - Do you ever feel that no matter what you say it’s misunderstood. You talk past each other, you’re both sensitive and it’s just not working. It is time to step back, reassess and figure out how to move forward.
Communication is key
I can hear a collective sigh when I say you need to communicate. Isn’t this at the heart of the problem? And honestly what does ‘communicate’ actually mean. A fist to your throat is also communicating and it can be helpful but not advised.
This one is hard because you have to be vulnerable and when you’re in the worst space this is the last thing you want to do. But you have to open up. Talk about your fears and joys and everything in between. Over dinner with the children put to bed is a good time.
Start slow, it creates a deeper sense of understanding and empathy. You need to create an unbreakable bond.
Compliments and gratitude
Make it a habit to compliment every day. A real compliment. Not something sarcastic or with undercurrent. You know you want to but don’t. Highlight their strengths and thank them for the little things. They often go unnoticed. Noticing them creates a positive atmosphere and reminds your partner how lucky they are to have someone who notices and appreciates.
Being grateful also changes the game. If you are grateful for the things, we take for granted we start seeing life differently. Force yourself to be grateful for 5 things every day. Some days all I can come up with is I can breathe!
Physical touch
Touch is such an important factor in the human condition. A baby thrives when it is touched and hugged kindly. The aged rate the lack of touch as one of the biggest factors in feeling lonely. A hug, holding hands and cuddling all contribute to a sense of well-being and intimacy. Touch often without any expectation of it leading to sex.
We often only touch with sex in mind, and this can lead to resentment. Touch with no expectation. It is a wonderful experience.
But don’t forget about sex. A healthy sex life is important. Set aside dedicated time to explore each other. It will enhance intimacy.
I remember my parents going on a ‘second honeymoon’. They revisited all the places they went on their first. It seemed to me that they came back with a better sense of what mattered. It doesn’t have to be as big as a second honeymoon. It can be the place you went on a first date. Recreating that special meal. Trying to fit into that sexy outfit!
Revisiting reminds us of who we were and what we wanted for ourselves. Go back there and remember. Try to enjoy each other without distractions.
Schedule check-ins
We’re all busy and wrapped up in our own challenges but make time every day to check in with your partner. How was their day? Really listen, offer support. Men tend to want to solve every problem for you. My partner and I have a system where we ask - am I listening or fixing? It’s a kind question depending on the answer – you simply listen or offer a solution.
Make this check in a habit. It lets your partner know you are there for them, no matter what.
Relationship goals
Often, we forget about what we wanted from our relationship. Dream together and never stop. Is it buying a house? A big holiday? A child? Another degree? Setting goals as a team makes for strong relationships. Working towards commons goals creates a sense of unity and strengthens your connection.
Try new things
Exhausting I know but so worth it. My partner and I battle with this because what I find exciting and new bores him. It may be learning a new dance, cooking exotic new dishes or an outdoor adventure.
It may be something completely off your radar. It gives you a chance to explore. Just give it a shot, you may hate it but who knows you might have fun. Take turns picking the activity, that way you both get a turn.
Recurrent date nights
I know this is over hashed and what is a date anyway? If you don’t already do date night, please start. It can be a candlelit dinner at home or a fancy restaurant. You can even do something fun or a spoil. The point is to create a space where you can focus solely on each other, away from distractions.
Weekend getaway
Escape the routine. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. As long as it’s a change of scenery and uninterrupted quality time together. Explore new surroundings and simply enjoy each other’s company without distractions.
This will take some planning and even some budgeting but make it happen as often as you can.
Show respect
So often I hear couple take each other out in front of other people. It is often disguised as a joke, but I can see the cut. Think of it as a paper cut, a thousand of them can kill you. Those jabs, humiliations and insults NEVER go away. Saying sorry doesn’t make it better. It festers and will eventually poison your relationship. If you disagree with the story, she is telling, don’t take her out in front of everyone.
In this life, at this time, be kind, it goes much further than being right. My son recently said – ‘we should all realise that life is a team sport. If we can help, help!’
Such a wise man.