When elderly parents finally make a decision to sell the family home, they, and their adult children, can often feel emotional and sentimental about letting it go.
After all, the idea that strangers will take over the home with no regard to its history, and then go forth and make changes to put their own mark on it, is sad and unsettling.
This can prompt family members to consider buying it so that the home – and the memories it holds, are not lost.
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“When my parents were selling in order to downscale for their retirement, my siblings looked to me, as the eldest, to buy it. And it was something that I did consider because we could not bear the thought of saying goodbye to it,” says Jennifer Venter*.
However, she and her husband were not really in a financial position to take on the large property, plus they had dreams of emigrating so were not really interested in buying a home here.
“But the thought was tempting because it was also the home that my grandparents lived in before my parents, so it was full of memories and love and laughter going back decades. The idea that someone else would move in and just take over did annoy us a little.”
The home was eventually sold to an unknown buyer and, as difficult as it was, Venter says that, during the transfer process, the family spent as much time as possible there together, talking about all the stories that those walls had seen.
“On our last night before my parents moved out, we had a big braai and invited the extended family and friends over – all people who had spent many happy times in the house, as a final goodbye...
“We still live in the area and have occasionally driven past the property to just see how it looks, but the new owners have repainted it and, personally, we don’t like the colours. So I guess that this has helped us move on as, I think if it looked exactly the same as it did when we lived there, it may be a little more emotional.”
In a previous article on a similar subject, Johannesburg-based clinical psychologist Liane Lurie says many people want to cling on to their childhood homes for a number of reasons. The most common is that, for some, home and the idea of home conjures up images and feelings of happy and warm memories from when life was perceived to be simple and your family was everything.
It would therefore make sense that, given the opportunity to purchase their childhood homes, many would leap at the chance.
“It is a home that they know and feel safe in, and a place they would like to imbue with more tradition and family rituals; an heirloom as it were that they want to keep in the family and hopefully pass onto their own children one day.”
However, purchasing a family home may bring with it more complication than joy, she notes.
“Should there be other siblings in your family, they, or you, may feel sensitive over any potential renovations you or your partner propose. You may also have your own ideas and rules over how a home should be run which may be contrary to your siblings' notions of how you were all raised.
“You were raised in your family home according to the values set out by your parents. As an adult, you have to carve out your own path.”
Furthermore, Lurie says, when one joins with another in creating a life of their own – such as in a marriage or relationship, it is important for both of them to feel 'at home' in the new space they jointly occupy. They will need to be careful of their partner’s feelings like a guest or outsider in their own home, especially when family or parents come over.
“Many people may idealise the kind of lives they had in that family home, only to discover that as an adult they cannot recapture that magic. This may be coupled with a feeling of sadness. It is important to remember that the magic of your home was linked to the people with whom you played and shared your life at that stage.
“It is essential to give yourself the opportunity and permission to create memories of your own and begin a new chapter of your own.”
Ultimately, there are a number of pros and cons to consider before making a decision to buy your family home.
PROS
- You may get the property at a better price than if you were buying from strangers
- You know the history of the house and are unlikely to encounter any nasty surprises
- You will know the neighbourhood, and maybe even the neighbours, well
- You get to build new memories on top of the old ones that the home holds
- You may have had some say in certain changes that were made to the property over the years
- You could potentially be a new link in keeping the home in your family for generations to come
CONS
- Depending on how well your parents maintained the home, there could be expensive maintenance to be undertaken
- The area may not be the same as it used to be when you lived there, and this could dampen the excitement of reliving your childhood with your own family
- You may be reluctant to make renovations in case you not only offend family members but take away some of the nostalgia you feel about the house
- Your partner may not have the same connection to the property that you have
- Some family members may not see the home as yours and still think they come and go as they please
* Name changed
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