Durban - Most of us act at some time in a way that is harmful to our bodies, by drinking, smoking, having unsafe sex or indulging in excesses.
Self-harm, in the context of this article, is about the need to inflict injury on oneself in a more deliberate way, such as by cutting, burning, sticking things in one’s body, banging one’s head, hair-pulling or bruising. Some people starve themselves.
Such actions are rarely attempts at suicide or a manifestation of insanity. They are a sign there are problems that need to be addressed.
Understanding self-harm
Some “self-harmers” see their actions as a way of coping with problems.
They claim it helps them to express deeply painful and distressing feelings which they find hard to put into words – feelings of sadness, emptiness, guilt, rage and self-hate. Self-mutilation, they say, gives them emotional release – at least for a while. But the painful feelings return – and they feel the urge to hurt themselves again.
Puzzled caregivers try to dissuade them from their actions by telling them they don’t have to injure themselves in order to feel better.
It’s like slapping on a plaster when what is really needed are stitches. The plaster may temporarily stop the bleeding, but it doesn’t fix the underlying injury.
There are more constructive ways of dealing with one’s problems.
Indeed, self-injury creates its own problems. Understandably, if you are a self-harmer, you want to keep your actions a secret. Maybe you feel ashamed or maybe you just think no one will understand. But hiding who you are and what you feel is a heavy burden. Ultimately, the secrecy and guilt affects your relationships with friends and family members and the way you feel about yourself. It can make you feel even more lonely, worthless and trapped.
Confide in someone you trust, someone who is not a gossip. This could be a friend, teacher, doctor, psychologist, religious leader, counsellor or relative.
It can be scary to talk about something you have worked hard to hide, but it can also be a huge relief to finally let go of your secret and share what you’re going through.
Helping a self-harmer
Listen to them without being critical. It can be upsetting to be close to someone who self-harms. You may feel shocked, confused or even disgusted by self-harming behaviours – but try to focus on the person rather than on your feelings. See the world through their eyes. Remember, the self-harming person already feels ashamed and alone.
At an appropriate time, move the conversation to other things.
Help them to think about their self-harm, not as a shameful secret, but as a problem to be solved.
Encourage communication. Let your loved one express whatever he or she is feeling, even if it’s something you are uncomfortable with. If the person hasn’t told you about the self-harm, bring up the subject in a caring, non-confrontational way: “I’ve noticed injuries on your body, and I want to understand what you’re going through.”
Take the mystery out of self-harm by helping them to learn more about the problem on the internet or at the library and by talking to informed people.
Offer support, not ultimatums.
It’s only natural to want to help, but threats, punishments and ultimatums are counterproductive. Express your concern and let the person know you’re available whenever he or she wants to talk or needs support.
Don’t make them promise not to do it again nor should you threaten that you won’t see them unless they stop self-harming.
Don’t expect them to stop overnight – it’s difficult and takes time and effort.
Don’t try to be their therapist – therapy is complicated and you already have enough to deal with as their friend or relative.
Remember, you are not responsible for your friend’s actions.
Do not offer more than you can cope with – it is better to offer a little support you can sustain, rather than offering a lot and then withdrawing it.
If the self-harmer is a family member, especially if he/she is your child, I would advise you to prepare yourself to address difficulties in the family.
This is not about blame, but about learning ways of dealing with problems and communicating better.
This can help the entire family.
* Ramphal is an educational psychologist with special interests in career counselling and the learning and behaviour problems of children and adolescents. - Daily News
Visit www.ramphaledupsych.co.za