Washington - The specifics may vary, but the scene is familiar to parents struggling to connect with their kids.
Neal Rojas, a pediatrics professor at the University of California, San Francisco who has studied attention issues, says it often is a matter of salience - the complex process our brains go through to determine what from the outside world should get and keep our attention. He says the "salience ratio" has to be pretty high to get the focus to move from familiar and engaging screens.
"If I tell my kids with my back turned to them while washing the dishes after dinner 'Okay, time to wrap up that game,' but I don't engage them and watch for their response in situations like this, I might as well be talking to the cat," Rojas says.
It starts with the setting, says Maggie Jackson, author of the book "Distracted," a new edition of which is due out in September. She notes that research carefully following households all day on video found that 40 percent of American families eat meals separately and revealed that parents and kids are together in a room only about 16 percent of the time, mostly ignoring one another.
Families are pressed for time, and they are not engaging in the repeated, structured daily patterns that help develop connections. Jackson says efforts to get and keep a child's attention are further challenged by a steady stream of potential diversions for busy parents and their children.
Here are five ways parents can combat those distractions, and get and keep their child's attention.
Be attentive yourself
Jackson says that parents who try to direct their child when they are themselves multitasking or disengaged are less likely to get the message clearly to their child and more likely to have their child not take it seriously.
Have rules
Rules about tech use, a child's responsibilities and schedules should be instituted and discussed. More importantly, stick to the guidelines you set. A child is less likely to need reminders and your attention if they know what to do and that they will be consistently required to do it. "Don't give up," says Jackson.
Engage. . .
Sharon Saline, a clinical psychologist and author of the book "What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew," says parents should make sure they have their child's full attention using what she calls the Rule of Three: Get close and say their name, make eye contact, preferably at their level, and then give them the message and ask them to repeat it - twice. "It may seem silly to them, but that's okay. By repeating the directions, you know they have grasped what they need to do. Also, this technique activates several means of connecting - sight, sound, repetition - that trigger different and simultaneous neural pathways."
. . . But don't nag
Catherine Pearlman, author of the book "Ignore It!: How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction," says sometimes children don't pay attention simply because a parent is always asking them to and the message gets lost. She recommends parents be selective with their directions and, if they are ignored, quickly implement well-understood consequences without lengthy discussion or repeated warnings.
Consider outlets
Active children who get a lot of exercise may be more likely to pay attention, along with those who learn some basic mindfulness skills, says psychologist and author Thomas Armstrong. He recommends the arts, martial arts and time spent in nature and advocates "unstructured play." Get them to read, if possible, and help them identify a strong interest they can engage with.
The Washington Post
* Paterson is a freelance writer and illustrator and a former school counselor.